Does The Sadness Ever Disappear?

If someone asked me what the best day of my life was, I truly would not be able to answer. There have been so many - first dates, first kisses, falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, and so many childhood memories. But the one day that stands out recently is the day I found out I was pregnant. 10dp3dt, I took a HPT at 4am because I couldn't sleep, and there was a second line. It was faint, but it was there. I woke up my husband to see if he saw it too, and he did. We were so happy and excited! We didn't think the cycle had worked since I had gotten a negative three days before. It looked like the nightmare was over and our dreams had come true.

The infertility had such a negative effect on our marriage that we almost split up several times. It affected me much more deeply than my husband, and I became depressed, angry, emotional, and tons of other different negative emotions. He couldn't deal with this, because he still felt happy regardless of the fact that we didn't have a child. This is because my husband went through a lot before I came into his life. He lost his first wife to uterine cancer, and watched her wither away and die. She was only 38 when she died. After an experience like that, he just doesn't get too upset about too many things. He really is an extraordinary person, and always tries to stay positive. I have not been able to do that. I wanted to have kids so badly that we started trying on our honeymoon. He wanted them too, but he still kept things in perspective. When I wasn't getting pregnant month after month, I assumed the problem was me, and the depression started. He couldn't handle this since he previously had a wife who couldn't have children because she had to have a hysterectomy, but she managed to stay positive. She was a tough act to follow. He compares the two of us a lot, even though he says he doesn't. I am not able to live my life as if I were dying. I just can't. I want children, period. I don't want a mansion, a Mercedes, diamonds, or anything material, I want a child. The experience of infertility and having a miscarriage is the heartbreak of my life. I've been through some pretty hard things, almost went blind when I was a teenager, but this is what tears my heart out. I still cannot talk about it without crying. When does this pain stop? Will it ever stop? When I am finally blessed with a child, will I look back on this time and smile, or will I still cry because I had to go through it? Will I ever be able to say "I had a miscarriage when I was 31" without having to leave the room? It doesn't seem like it right now. Julie's blog yesterday was very thought provoking. With all the heartache I have been through, do I have an equal amount of happiness waiting for me? That would be incredible. But when will it come?

Do You Have Balloons?

Am I the only sick one who used to get enjoyment from listening to the crude humor of The Jerky Boys? There was one called "Do you have balloons?", or something like that, and every time I think about the balloon in my uterus, I am reminded of it. Anyway, the balloon was removed today, and I am back to normal. I thought it was going to hurt, but it was painless. Turns out the balloon was inflated with 3 cc's of water, which was drained before removal. It just kind of slid out - thank God! So that is a relief. Hopefully my uterus will stay how it should. I will continue to take estrogen for the next week, and then progesterone for 10 days to bring on my period.

My little nephew is doing well, and is still as cute as can be! He is such a good baby, hardly ever cries and mostly sleeps. I hope my future babies are as good as him!

I Am So In Love!

I cannot even begin to describe how in love I am with my new nephew. I can't look at him without crying (possibly because of all the estrogen I am taking :) He is just the cutest and most precious thing I have ever seen in my life. I have been around lots of babies in my life, but I have never felt like this. He looks like a clone of my sister, and I think he has my hands and feet! And he is so good! Hardly ever makes a sound, except last night when he was probably in pain after the circumcision. They are coming home on Sunday, which means I can spend time with them next week and help out my sister if she needs it. This is gonna be one spoiled baby!!!

On a different note, can't wait to get this damn balloon out of my body! It's not that I am in pain, but I know it's there and it doesn't belong there. I have an appointment on Monday morning for the removal, and then I will continue to take estrogen for two more weeks, along with progesterone the second week to bring on my period. I will then start the birth control pill on day three, and start this process all over again. This uterus better be perfect now!!!

Brand New Arrival!

Joseph Philip was born this afternoon at 3:39 pm, weighing 8 lbs 7 oz, and 21 in long!!! My first blood nephew! After being two weeks past due, the doctor finally decided that a c-section was necessary since my sister was not dilating at all. She is doing well, as is Joseph. She and her husband are ecstatic! And he is so cute - he looks just like her when she was born! I sure hope he likes me and gets used to my face, cuz he is gonna be seeing a lot of it after my sister returns to work in two months!

A Heartless Valentine's Day

Surgery went well yesterday. The doctor seems to think that it may be scar tissue that grew rather than the septum, but he is not positive. He removed what he could, and inserted the balloon. After his warnings that I would be very crampy while the balloon was in, I expected to feel like I was in labor all week. But I do not even feel a tinge of a cramp, which is good and bad. Good because who the hell wants to be in pain, bad because now I am afraid the balloon fell out. The purpose of the balloon is to prevent anything from growing back. There is a "tail" on the end of the balloon which will be used to remove it, and the doc warned me that the tail may become uncoiled and be visible from outside my body. This is the case. So right now I have a pretty thick thing kind of hanging, which I keep trying to put back. Think tampon string, but the size and consistency of an electrical cord. So if everything goes well, this balloon will stay in until next Monday. I am also taking Estrogen for 3 weeks, which help the lining build up so to also prevent anything from growing back. Before any of these surgeries, my uterus was heart shaped. Hopefully now, it is pear shaped like everyone else's normal uterus, and will stay that way. I should hopefully begin the next IVF cycle in about 3 weeks. Let's keep our fingers crossed!

Decision Made

After flip-flopping back and forth between whether or not to have the surgery again, I called my RE and told him I was struggling with this. I didn't want to subject myself to a possibly unnecessary surgery, and was starting to think that maybe everything would be OK with the way things were. I then asked him "if it were your wife, what would you do?" Must have been a good question, because he told me he could not answer it without first looking at the pictures. He had only been told of the situation by the RE who performed the saline sono. He promised to call me the next day as soon as he saw the pictures from my chart.

This morning at about 9am, I received a call from him. My husband and I had him on speaker phone as he told me that after looking at the pictures, he feels it would be best if I had the surgery again. Believe it or not, I was relieved. I did not want to have to make that decision myself. He would check when the next surgery date was, and get back to me. This was the part that made me nervous, because I knew there was a strong possibility that I would have to wait a month before something opened up.

A couple of hours later, I received a call from the girl who schedules the surgeries, who informed me that my surgery would be this Monday!!!!!! Yeah!!!!! He scheduled a date just for me!!! I guess even he realizes I have been through hell and back and enough is enough. So I will be spending my Valentine's Day having surgery, and I am so happy about it! Hopefully, if things go well, we can get back on track with IVF #2 next month. I was really bumming the past few days about having to wait again, but in the grand scope of things, another month is not going to make a difference. If it means having healthy babies, then it is well worth it!

Does It Ever End?

I feel like I should start wearing a caution sign that reads "Don't get too happy - problems are lurking right around the corner!" I had my second RE appointment yesterday to make sure my ovaries are quiet and do the second saline sono to make sure my uterus looks normal after my surgery. The first part went well - my ovaries were nice and quiet. I then sat in the room for over an hour waiting for the RE to come in to do the saline sono. Before she did it, she wrote out my plan for the week - I was to stop the birth control pill and start Follistim each night for a week. Yeah!!! Oh, but no, she spoke too soon. She did the sono and determined that the septum is still there! What the fuck!!! I just had the surgery to correct that on December 23! I was pissed beyond belief. She compared the pictures from yesterday to the ones taken before the surgery, and said that a lot of it was removed, but there was still something there. I asked her if I should have another surgery, and she said "possibly". It is debatable, and she is checking with the RE who did my surgery to see what he thinks. I told her that I do not want to risk another miscarriage, so if it means another surgery, I will do it. I asked her if she saw somebody for the first time and they had a septum like I have right now, would she recommend surgery, and she said "yes". So bottom line is, even if my RE determines that I should not have surgery again, I know there is still a small septum there, and that means the chance for another miscarriage. I cannot take this anymore. I waited long enough for my second IVF cycle (its been almost 4 months since the miscarriage), and now if I need another operation, that will be another couple of months waiting. I was so upset yesterday, I gave myself a migraine. It just feels like this is never going to end. So now I am waiting for a phone call back from one of the REs to tell me what is going on. I will be extremely lucky if I hear from them today. They have more patients than they know what to do with, it is sickening. That's the story for now, will update more when I know more.

The Ugly Side

I feel like shit right now. My husband and I went out to dinner tonight with my family, which consists of my mom and dad, pregnant younger sister (29) who is due any minute, and pregnant youngest sister (26) who is due in July. When I saw my youngest sister walk into the restaurant in her new maternity blouse, something in me snapped. I had to hide my face in my menu so that nobody would notice my red face and tears forming. I think to hide the pain, I became snippy and sensitive. My mom told me I looked good in my red shirt, and I told her to stop saying things like that. I feel like she compliments me because she feels sorry for me. Which I know she really does. But nobody is feeling more sorry for me than myself. I just feel like such a @#$# loser. Then my husband got pissed at me because I told him to "butt out" of a conversation I was having with my sister. When we left and got into the car, he told me I was no longer fun to be around. No, more like screamed it at me. And it is the truth. I don't even like being around me anymore. For some reason, the birth control pill makes me feel pre-menstrual, and very emotional. I can't stand it, and can't wait to be done with it on Sunday. I am so sick of feeling like this. I should be enjoying life, but I am hating it right now. Please let me feel more positive tomorrow!

Oh, and another thing that really upset me was the insensitive comments made by my friend the other day. She has two kids that she conceived effortlessly, and no longer goes out with friends to socialize. If you want to hang out with her, you have to go to her house. I said to her, wouldn't it be nice if every now and then you had your husband babysit and we went out for a drink like we used to? She told me she has no desire to go out for a drink, she can drink at home, she is perfectly content with her life, and that I feel this way because I don't have any kids. She repeated the "you don't have any kids" line several more times in the conversation. Gee, thanks for reminding me. I almost forgot. What the hell was I thinking, wanting to go out a couple times a year with friends? My parents still went out after they had us. Is it normal to stop socializing with other adults outside of your home when you have children?

Great News!

Finally, some great news - my rheumatologist called me today, and told me that my blood shows no sign of an autoimmune disease! And this was some pretty extensive blood work. So I guess I can now conclude that the miscarriage did not occur as a result of an autoimmune disease. Phew!!! One less thing to worry about. I will ask her if we should re-test when I am pregnant, since I think I read somewhere that an autoimmune disease can reappear while pregnant, but I could be wrong. Hopefully my lucky streak will continue. Let's keep our fingers crossed!!!!

Holy Medication!

I received my delivery of fertility medication today - enough for about 5 IVF cycles! Why in the world the RE ordered so much medication is beyond me. She did mention to me that she would like me to donate what I don't use, but she should have been more clear about her agenda. I don't mind donating since I am fortunate enough to have insurance that covers the cost, but let me know ahead of time that I will be receiving a ridiculous amount of meds. My kitchen table right now is covered with syringes and alcohol swipes. And that freaking red disposal container is back, the one that I thought I would not see again for a couple of years. Looking at that really got to me. It's tough going through this again, not because it was hard to do the first time, but because I thought I was done for now. And it was really tough being at the RE's office the other day, seeing the sonographer that found the sac, who ended up being the same one that confirmed the miscarriage. All the nurses were a little gentler than usual after reading my chart. One told me that her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, followed by 3 more! But she has grown children, so her story has a happy ending. That is really what I want to hear about these days - happy endings despite disastrous beginnings. Not always a realty, but definitely a comfort.