Does The Sadness Ever Disappear?

If someone asked me what the best day of my life was, I truly would not be able to answer. There have been so many - first dates, first kisses, falling in love, getting engaged, getting married, and so many childhood memories. But the one day that stands out recently is the day I found out I was pregnant. 10dp3dt, I took a HPT at 4am because I couldn't sleep, and there was a second line. It was faint, but it was there. I woke up my husband to see if he saw it too, and he did. We were so happy and excited! We didn't think the cycle had worked since I had gotten a negative three days before. It looked like the nightmare was over and our dreams had come true.

The infertility had such a negative effect on our marriage that we almost split up several times. It affected me much more deeply than my husband, and I became depressed, angry, emotional, and tons of other different negative emotions. He couldn't deal with this, because he still felt happy regardless of the fact that we didn't have a child. This is because my husband went through a lot before I came into his life. He lost his first wife to uterine cancer, and watched her wither away and die. She was only 38 when she died. After an experience like that, he just doesn't get too upset about too many things. He really is an extraordinary person, and always tries to stay positive. I have not been able to do that. I wanted to have kids so badly that we started trying on our honeymoon. He wanted them too, but he still kept things in perspective. When I wasn't getting pregnant month after month, I assumed the problem was me, and the depression started. He couldn't handle this since he previously had a wife who couldn't have children because she had to have a hysterectomy, but she managed to stay positive. She was a tough act to follow. He compares the two of us a lot, even though he says he doesn't. I am not able to live my life as if I were dying. I just can't. I want children, period. I don't want a mansion, a Mercedes, diamonds, or anything material, I want a child. The experience of infertility and having a miscarriage is the heartbreak of my life. I've been through some pretty hard things, almost went blind when I was a teenager, but this is what tears my heart out. I still cannot talk about it without crying. When does this pain stop? Will it ever stop? When I am finally blessed with a child, will I look back on this time and smile, or will I still cry because I had to go through it? Will I ever be able to say "I had a miscarriage when I was 31" without having to leave the room? It doesn't seem like it right now. Julie's blog yesterday was very thought provoking. With all the heartache I have been through, do I have an equal amount of happiness waiting for me? That would be incredible. But when will it come?