The Hidden Truth

There is a big part of the failure of our marriage that I have not addressed because I did not want to get off the topic of infertility. My ex is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 10 1/2 years. Before we started dating, I had a feeling that this was the case because he only drank ginger ale at social events. I am the type of person who likes to go out for a few drinks every now and then, so I thought this would be a problem for our relationship, and was part of the reason why I would not date him for seven months. Finally, I decided it was time to give it a try. On our second date, he was honest and up front with me about his past - he was in A.A. for alcoholism and drug addiction, and went to 5 or 6 meetings a week. I respected the fact that he was honest with me, and asked him if he had a problem with the fact that I liked to have a couple of drinks every now and then. He told me no, that it was his problem and not mine. Sounded good to me, and we resumed our relationship. Within two weeks, he asked me to marry him, and I foolishly said yes.

Things kind of changed slightly after I committed to marrying him. Suddenly, he didn't like the fact that I drank, and I asked him if he would rather I didn't. He said yes, and at the time, I didn't think it was such a sacrifice. Eventually, I resented this, but it was too late. To make a very long story short, my friends were not too thrilled with the new me, because they felt I was changing too much of who I was for him. It took a lot of work to regain the friendships back. Being told I couldn't have a drink made me hate going to social gatherings and weddings, and I started to look around at everyone having fun and felt like I was in a cave. This had to change, and I told him how I felt. After many arguments and many people in A.A. telling him he was wrong, he finally "allowed" me to drink socially, but did not want me to drink in front of him. So this did not solve the social gathering and wedding problem because I was always with him. Eventually, I somehow eased my way into drinking a couple of drinks in front of him. However, we could never have a big barbecue or party at our house and invite his friends because he did not want alcohol served in his home. I could go on and on but I am sure you get the drift.

The thing that put the nail in the coffin that is our marriage is when he decided that my father is an alcoholic, and that I need to go to Al-Anon because I have alcoholic attitudes as a result of my father's alcoholism. My father does drink several drinks a day, but I never ever considered him an alcoholic. I know the definition of an alcoholic is pretty sketchy, but he does not meet my definition of an alcoholic. And he did not drink in the house when we were growing up. The last thing I wanted to do was go to Al-Anon, and I fought it tooth and nail. So he went. For those of you who are not aware, Al-Anon is a twelve step program for people who live with or have been affected by alcoholics. My husband decided he needed to go to learn how to deal with me - a non-alcoholic with alcoholic attitudes, according to him. At first I thought he was going because his father was a full-blown alcoholic, and when I learned it was because of me, something in me shut off. This was not normal, but I would not tell him not to go. I always supported whatever type of support he needed. But I resented it immensely that he felt he needed to go to Al-Anon because of me. Even our therapists (that's right, there were two) told him he had to stop pushing me to go to Al-Anon, and eventually he did. I went to one meeting with him at one point because he threatened to leave me unless I did. I was very weak back then, and just went, but I knew it was not for me. Twelve step programs are for people who want it - I did not. Anyway, I thought the issue was closed, but the fact is, once he got that in his head, the marriage slowly started to end. I confirmed this thought when I heard him talking on the phone with his mother after he told me he wanted a separation. He was telling her pretty loudly that I was an Adult Child of an Alcoholic not getting help, and that is why the marriage did not work. My husband could never understand and accept, despite all our therapy, that I was depressed because of the infertility. He constantly tried to blame my sadness and anger on alcoholism in some way, shape, or form. We never had a chance.

If there is anyone out there who has experienced a similar situation or could offer me some words of advice, please do so. I am still so shocked at the events of our marriage and everything we had to deal with. Our marriage lasted less than four years, and we had to deal with way too many heavy issues (death of his first wife, infertility, alcoholism, etc.). Not an easy four years.

Where To Go From Here?

I am officially back in my old room at my parents' house. I am not finished removing all my belongings from the house that used to be mine, nor am I finished unpacking what I have taken so far, so things are very upside down right now. I got back from Florida on Sunday, which was lovely. My next adventure is St. Maarten next week for my friend's wedding. Maybe this should become a travel blog - how I wish I could make a career out of vacationing! But reality will soon be setting in as I am most likely returning to the company I left last year after my department was eliminated. It's been quite an eventful year, and certainly not in a good way at all. I am so used to it though, that it just doesn't get me down anymore. Except when I am PMSing, then everything seems worse. But overall, everything is fine, and I finally feel at peace with my life. I no longer have to watch everything I say and do in order to please someone who always seemed to want to change me. It feels weird to have MY life back again, and be the person I once was. I really did not realize what a negative impact my marriage had on me until a couple of weeks ago. I am still not sure if it was actually my husband or the situations we had to deal with, but regardless, it was a lot of negative crap. Right now, I am content not being in a relationship. I have never been able to say that before. Every time a relationship ended, I felt nervous and insecure about being alone, so this is a new feeling for me. I guess I am finally comfortable with myself, and I like who I am. The three years of marriage counseling may not have helped the marriage, but it certainly helped me.

I am really not sure which direction I will be going in with this blog. Obviously I don't fit the criteria of infertile anymore, since I am no longer trying to have a baby at the moment. But the infertility and miscarriage had such an impact on my life that it is something that has changed me forever. I still get a little bit of that jealous feeling when I find out someone I know is pregnant. But at least now that I am separated no one will say to me "so when are you going to have a baby?" But then again, I wouldn't put it past people. People seem to love to remind women that they are getting older and should "get a move on" and have a baby. I have to say this experience has made me much more aware of my comments to others, and now I really think before I speak. I also do not take anything for granted, and appreciate the good things that are in my life, such as my family and friends. I have been watching my two-month old nephew, and it is such a wonderful experience to see him everyday and watch him change little by little. My sisters have been blessed with pregnancy and babies, and I am blessed with a beautiful nephew and one on the way.

I will keep the name of my blog the same, but I guess I will just approach it as a daily journal of my thoughts, which is what I initially started it for. It might be all over the place at times because that is how my life is right now, but at least I can get my feelings out.

Too Much Going On

I have been so busy this week, between interviews, homework, and packing. Sunday is the move, and I cannot believe how many things I have accumulated over the past four years. I am going to Florida to visit family on Tuesday for six days, and I am looking forward to doing nothing and not having to even think. The week after that, I am babysitting for my newborn nephew. The week after that, I am going to St. Maarten for my best friend's wedding. So there are some great things going on. All of this has been a lot, but amazingly, I am doing well. Don't know how I will feel on Sunday as I leave my house for the last time, but as of now I am doing OK.

Other than that, there really is nothing new. I still am very angry at my ex, and cannot believe how cold he has been. He tries to be cordial, but he treats me as if I was never his wife. It is very strange. How do you turn off feelings just like that? The only conclusion I can come to is that the feelings were never real. Marriage is based on unconditional love, and if you don't have it, it is only a matter of time before it crumbles. I took my vows seriously, and although I haven't been the happiest camper over the past four years, I would never have done anything so drastic. But I will move on and be happy again. Right now, I just want to go out with my friends on the weekends and have fun again. It's been so long since I have truly had any fun. I started to become part of my couch. If I have learned anything from this marriage, it is to always stay true to yourself. All of the answers you need are already within you, and once you start deviating from what you know is right, things will go terribly wrong. It's hard to always live by this because sometimes you want to convince yourself that something is right for you, but deep down inside, you know the truth.

Medication Anyone?

Things are moving along quite quickly with the separation. We are officially legally separated, and I will be moving out next weekend. It is sad, but I have to say, for the first time in a very long time I am excited about life. I have been on 5 interviews in the past week, and it looks like I should be able to have my pick between a couple of different positions. I hadn't been working for the past year since my position was eliminated due to a merger, and we took the opportunity to pursue IVF with the goal of me being a stay-at-home mom. Ah, the good old days.

In the midst of my depression and constant recuperation from one surgery or another, I had gained a little bit of weight. I was not obese, but on the upper end of what is normal for my height. I have been working out like a psycho and eating smaller portions, and I am happy to report that I have already lost at least 10 lbs! My belly is actually flat again! Never thought I would be happy to have a flat belly considering I was going through extraordinary means to make it huge! So I am doing well, but I am sure I will break down on the day I move out of my house. I will be living with my parents temporarily, until I decide where I want to live. I have been so angry at my ex (is he an ex if we are not divorced yet?) that I actually felt hatred, but it is starting to subside. I actually feel a little sorry for him at times. What is wrong with me? Why do I feel sorry for a man who decided to end a marriage in a matter of a day? Without even a trial separation. Oh well, the softy in me always conquers the angry side. He is a good man, we were just wrong for each other. I also believe that he was too old for me, with the 11 year age difference. Not to say that an age difference is always a problem, but in this case, he acted more like a father to me than a husband. Not very healthy at all.

So the question arises - what do I do with the stacks of fertility medication that are in my fridge? It doesn't expire for a couple of years, so do I keep it just in case for some ungodly reason I need it in the future, or do I donate it to my RE, and help some other couples to achieve their dreams? What would you do?