The Hidden Truth

There is a big part of the failure of our marriage that I have not addressed because I did not want to get off the topic of infertility. My ex is a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for 10 1/2 years. Before we started dating, I had a feeling that this was the case because he only drank ginger ale at social events. I am the type of person who likes to go out for a few drinks every now and then, so I thought this would be a problem for our relationship, and was part of the reason why I would not date him for seven months. Finally, I decided it was time to give it a try. On our second date, he was honest and up front with me about his past - he was in A.A. for alcoholism and drug addiction, and went to 5 or 6 meetings a week. I respected the fact that he was honest with me, and asked him if he had a problem with the fact that I liked to have a couple of drinks every now and then. He told me no, that it was his problem and not mine. Sounded good to me, and we resumed our relationship. Within two weeks, he asked me to marry him, and I foolishly said yes.

Things kind of changed slightly after I committed to marrying him. Suddenly, he didn't like the fact that I drank, and I asked him if he would rather I didn't. He said yes, and at the time, I didn't think it was such a sacrifice. Eventually, I resented this, but it was too late. To make a very long story short, my friends were not too thrilled with the new me, because they felt I was changing too much of who I was for him. It took a lot of work to regain the friendships back. Being told I couldn't have a drink made me hate going to social gatherings and weddings, and I started to look around at everyone having fun and felt like I was in a cave. This had to change, and I told him how I felt. After many arguments and many people in A.A. telling him he was wrong, he finally "allowed" me to drink socially, but did not want me to drink in front of him. So this did not solve the social gathering and wedding problem because I was always with him. Eventually, I somehow eased my way into drinking a couple of drinks in front of him. However, we could never have a big barbecue or party at our house and invite his friends because he did not want alcohol served in his home. I could go on and on but I am sure you get the drift.

The thing that put the nail in the coffin that is our marriage is when he decided that my father is an alcoholic, and that I need to go to Al-Anon because I have alcoholic attitudes as a result of my father's alcoholism. My father does drink several drinks a day, but I never ever considered him an alcoholic. I know the definition of an alcoholic is pretty sketchy, but he does not meet my definition of an alcoholic. And he did not drink in the house when we were growing up. The last thing I wanted to do was go to Al-Anon, and I fought it tooth and nail. So he went. For those of you who are not aware, Al-Anon is a twelve step program for people who live with or have been affected by alcoholics. My husband decided he needed to go to learn how to deal with me - a non-alcoholic with alcoholic attitudes, according to him. At first I thought he was going because his father was a full-blown alcoholic, and when I learned it was because of me, something in me shut off. This was not normal, but I would not tell him not to go. I always supported whatever type of support he needed. But I resented it immensely that he felt he needed to go to Al-Anon because of me. Even our therapists (that's right, there were two) told him he had to stop pushing me to go to Al-Anon, and eventually he did. I went to one meeting with him at one point because he threatened to leave me unless I did. I was very weak back then, and just went, but I knew it was not for me. Twelve step programs are for people who want it - I did not. Anyway, I thought the issue was closed, but the fact is, once he got that in his head, the marriage slowly started to end. I confirmed this thought when I heard him talking on the phone with his mother after he told me he wanted a separation. He was telling her pretty loudly that I was an Adult Child of an Alcoholic not getting help, and that is why the marriage did not work. My husband could never understand and accept, despite all our therapy, that I was depressed because of the infertility. He constantly tried to blame my sadness and anger on alcoholism in some way, shape, or form. We never had a chance.

If there is anyone out there who has experienced a similar situation or could offer me some words of advice, please do so. I am still so shocked at the events of our marriage and everything we had to deal with. Our marriage lasted less than four years, and we had to deal with way too many heavy issues (death of his first wife, infertility, alcoholism, etc.). Not an easy four years.