Thank You

I would like to thank Julie for listing my blog on her site, and I would also like to thank everyone who has taken the time to read my blog. As you can see, I am temporarily out of the TTC game, but I am still here to help anyone who needs advice or has any questions. To recap for anyone who is just catching up, I have been through 5 IUI's, 1 IVF, 1 pregnancy, 1 miscarriage, 1 D&C, and 2 septum repairs. The infertility was due to male infertility (varicoceles), but the miscarriage was most likely due to the uterine septum I did not know I had (the doctor's thought I had a bicornuate uterus). The good news is, my uterus is fixed, and the bad news is, my marriage is over. I would honestly have to say that the stress and trauma of infertility and miscarriage took a huge toll on the happiness of my marriage, and my husband just had enough. No, I am not happy about this, but I am accepting it. I have been through too much to think that this is the end of my life. At 31, I know I will find happiness again, and hopefully I will achieve my dream and goal of someday being a mom. I would love to help anyone who needs support or advice - please just ask!

No, It Was NOT For The Best!

As I tell my family and friends that my husband and I are separating, I get many different comments - some comforting, and some just downright cruel. My two closest friends said to me "maybe it was for the best that you had that miscarriage." I just don't get this way of thinking. Because I am separating, I am supposed to now be relieved that my baby died? Even grateful? No, my friends, I will never ever feel that way. I wanted my baby no matter what circumstances lie ahead. I guess it is easy to say such things when you have plenty of kids that you conceived with plenty of ease, even by accident. Don't get me wrong, I really am not mad at them, for ignorance is bliss, but I just need to vent.

My husband has applied for a mortgage on his own in order to buy me out of my share of the home, which will probably be final in a couple of weeks. This is all happening so fast, and although I am handling it well, I cannot believe how much I hate the man I thought I loved. I look at him now, acting cold and formal towards me, and say to myself "I can't believe I ever loved him." My husband has a habit of making very rash decisions, and then he regrets them in a few weeks. Like I said in my last post, this is not the first time he has wanted a divorce after an argument, but I guarantee it will be the last. I made a promise to myself that if he does this again, it is over. So I will be moving out after the closing in a couple of weeks, and will be staying with my parents until I find a nice place of my own. Is there anybody else out there whose marriage has suffered as a result of the stresses of infertility? I think back to my wedding day, with all of the hopes and dreams and happiness that I had, and can't help to feel sorry for that person. The pre-infertility me, the one who didn't know the pain that was in store for her. I realize it may seem that I am mourning the loss of trying to have children more than the loss of my marriage, but I am just so angry right now that I can't feel sad about losing a man I can't stand. What happened to commitment, in good times and bad? My family tells me that they don't think he ever wanted to be a father. That may be true in some abstract way, but we discussed this issue in full before we got married, and we were in complete agreement that we would try right away to have a family. Like I've said before, my husband would be just fine with life if he never had any kids. I did all the research, made all the appointments, pushed him to have the varicocele surgery when he wanted to wait a few months so he did not have to miss any of his softball games. I am the one who had the drive to have a family. If things really happen for a reason, then I guess the simple truth is I was not meant to have children with him. It is just scary starting over again at 31, soon to be 32. I have thoughts of just going to a sperm bank and doing it all on my own, but then I wonder if that would be fair to the child. How would my child feel when I told him how he was conceived? How would he feel seeing his cousins with their dads? Is it fair? Or do I make a decision that will make me happy without having to depend on anyone else? These are the questions I ponder.

The Year In Review

Let's take a look at the last year of my life. One year ago this month, I found out that my entire department was being eliminated as a result of a merger. I was with the company for 10 years, and they gave me a nice severance package. I really was fine with it, and was looking forward to taking some time off, which would really come in handy while doing our first IVF. I received full pay and unemployment for 8 months, which was great!

In June, my eye pressure (glaucoma) had increased, and I wanted to make sure it was taken care of before I became pregnant, so I had surgery right away. Glaucoma is something that anyone with chronic uveitis must deal with, along with cataracts. I had cataracts in both of my eyes removed years ago, so I never have to worry about that again (even when I am old!). But the glaucoma is scary, since it can rob your sight if it is not dealt with right away.

In July, I began my first IVF cycle. Things got delayed because I did not suppress on the Lupron, and the saline sono showed some sort of abnormality of my uterus. So my first cycle lasted a month and a half. Got pregnant from first IVF in September, dealt with huge amounts of stress when the HCG levels did not double properly, had a miscarriage, then had a D & C in October. Two days after D & C my husband is yelling and screaming at me because he cannot take my attitude. A couple of weeks later he decides we should split up. We make up. In December, I have a laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to determine what the hell is wrong with my uterus. It was discovered that it was not bicornuate, but septate. The septum and some endometriosis are removed. I am beside myself since had we known about the septum, it would have been removed prior to IVF and the miscarriage wouldn't have happened. Three days later my grandfather passed away. Attended funeral while bleeding profusely and feeling extremely anemic. Husband pissed at me, I forget why.

In January, we were set to start our second IVF. Have second saline sono, which shows septum is still there!!! Surprise, another surgery is needed. This is surgery #4 in total for the year, not including the egg retrieval. Surgery is a success, set to start IVF #2 in a few weeks. February - looks like husband's new job is not working out, start to pay bills from our line of credit. Husband decides he wants to separate last week. Yes, I did not make this up. We are separating. This is no surprise - every time my husband and I argue he wants a divorce. This has happened at least 10 times in the past 4 years. This time I agree. I cannot take the instability anymore. This marriage has not been a happy one, because of the circumstances we had to deal with. My husband was not even over the death of his first wife when we married, so I guess it was doomed from the start. But let me say, I did not go after him, he pursued me for 7 MONTHS before I would go out with him. I thought it was too soon, but he insisted this is what he wanted. So I cannot blame myself. No more marriage, no more infertility, no more IVF. Does this mean that I am no longer infertile? I had fit under that category because of male factor. Could I actually become pregnant naturally some day? I can honestly say I cannot even conceive of that, no pun intended. Looks like life has some more in store for me. After the past year, hopefully it can only go up from here.