No, It Was NOT For The Best!

As I tell my family and friends that my husband and I are separating, I get many different comments - some comforting, and some just downright cruel. My two closest friends said to me "maybe it was for the best that you had that miscarriage." I just don't get this way of thinking. Because I am separating, I am supposed to now be relieved that my baby died? Even grateful? No, my friends, I will never ever feel that way. I wanted my baby no matter what circumstances lie ahead. I guess it is easy to say such things when you have plenty of kids that you conceived with plenty of ease, even by accident. Don't get me wrong, I really am not mad at them, for ignorance is bliss, but I just need to vent.

My husband has applied for a mortgage on his own in order to buy me out of my share of the home, which will probably be final in a couple of weeks. This is all happening so fast, and although I am handling it well, I cannot believe how much I hate the man I thought I loved. I look at him now, acting cold and formal towards me, and say to myself "I can't believe I ever loved him." My husband has a habit of making very rash decisions, and then he regrets them in a few weeks. Like I said in my last post, this is not the first time he has wanted a divorce after an argument, but I guarantee it will be the last. I made a promise to myself that if he does this again, it is over. So I will be moving out after the closing in a couple of weeks, and will be staying with my parents until I find a nice place of my own. Is there anybody else out there whose marriage has suffered as a result of the stresses of infertility? I think back to my wedding day, with all of the hopes and dreams and happiness that I had, and can't help to feel sorry for that person. The pre-infertility me, the one who didn't know the pain that was in store for her. I realize it may seem that I am mourning the loss of trying to have children more than the loss of my marriage, but I am just so angry right now that I can't feel sad about losing a man I can't stand. What happened to commitment, in good times and bad? My family tells me that they don't think he ever wanted to be a father. That may be true in some abstract way, but we discussed this issue in full before we got married, and we were in complete agreement that we would try right away to have a family. Like I've said before, my husband would be just fine with life if he never had any kids. I did all the research, made all the appointments, pushed him to have the varicocele surgery when he wanted to wait a few months so he did not have to miss any of his softball games. I am the one who had the drive to have a family. If things really happen for a reason, then I guess the simple truth is I was not meant to have children with him. It is just scary starting over again at 31, soon to be 32. I have thoughts of just going to a sperm bank and doing it all on my own, but then I wonder if that would be fair to the child. How would my child feel when I told him how he was conceived? How would he feel seeing his cousins with their dads? Is it fair? Or do I make a decision that will make me happy without having to depend on anyone else? These are the questions I ponder.