Days of Distraction

Just me saying a quick hello. I don't post too much anymore because I feel like I really don't have anything too interesting to say. My life has slipped into a comfortable, unstressful routine - but there is a very strange flipside. I think I have come to the conclusion that I have blocked out a lot of painful memories from the past couple of years, and they are starting to come back little by little. I have very strange dreams every night, sometimes about the ex, sometimes about babies, sometimes about my boyfriend breaking up with me for no reason. I also think I have a minor degree of memory loss since I don't remember some things that I think I should. Sounds like I need some help, huh? I have been thinking about going back into therapy for a little while. Life is very scary for me in a sense right now. The divorce is final, which is good, but yet most of my personal belongings are still in my old house that my ex still lives in. I just can't bring myself to go there to get them - maybe too horrifying and painful. I was such a different person back then, so depressed and lonely and lazy. Not saying I am perfect now, I am far from it - just not so depressed and lonely and lazy.

I am still babysitting for my nephews, and love them more than humanly possible. And they love me back just the same. I feel very lucky to have them and to be able to deal with their births as well as I did. I did not deal with the initial news of my sisters' pregnancies well at all, but dealing with live babies is something totally different for me. They are completely beautiful and loving, and watching them grow everyday is amazing. These are very happy days. Things are still going very well with my boyfriend, and we will be together six months on Thursday. We are thinking about moving in together sometime in 2006, so hopefully that works out.

So I am very happy, but equally as scared about where life is headed for me. I had everything so together (or so it seemed) a few years ago, with a successful career, beautiful home, and a husband who seemed to love me. Now I am relatively unemployed, live in a garage converted to a bedroom in my parents house, and am single again (but in a relationship). Yet, despite all this, I somehow manage to be happier than I have ever been, at least most of the time.

IVF Miscarriage

I didn't even know what a blog was until I typed "IVF Miscarriage" into Yahoo search about a year ago, and I discovered Julie's blog. It opened me up to a world I didn't know existed, at least not to the extent that it does. I don't remember if I found her blog before or after my miscarriage, but I do know that until I found the infertility blogosphere, I felt utterly and completely alone, and did not know how to deal with the despair I felt.

Now it seems I am returning the favor. When I check the referrals to my blog, I am one of the first sites to pop up when someone searches "IVF Miscarriage". Who would have thought, who would have wanted it, but I am glad to help someone who may desperately need it.

Time Flies (Whether You're Having Fun or Not)

Yes, now I am having fun, but a year ago that certainly was not the case. I cannot believe that it has been a year since I started my first and last IVF cycle. Last year at this time I was stressing about my freaky uterus and not suppressing on Lupron. I was injecting myself daily with the hopes of a successful cycle. It really did not cross my mind too much that I may have a miscarriage - I assumed the hurdle would be getting pregnant. I realize now how depressed I really was, losing myself as I died little by little. All I cared about was getting pregnant and having a baby. My perception of the experience was that my husband was unsupportive about the whole thing, as I could not tell him my feelings and fears, or really cry on his shoulder. Those of you with supportive husbands truly are blessed - it just makes the heartache a little bit easier to deal with. My heart goes out to each and every one of you who continue to struggle to achieve your dream of becoming a mother. I continue to read my blogs every day, and hope and pray for something good for each and every one of you. You truly deserve it.

These days I get so much joy from my baby nephews. My six-month old nephew that I watch every day is so much fun to be around. I am helping to raise a child, 8-10 hours a day, and it feels great. It was always my dream to be a stay at home mom, but I never thought I would experience it as I am in my current situation. It really is wonderful, and I am grateful that I have the opportunity to do it. I know I can't be unemployed forever, but for now, it is great. I wake up happy and go to bed happy - what more could I ask for?

Things with my new beau are still going great. We are traveling together next month to see his sister (my best friend) and his mom in Arizona, so I am really looking forward to that. It is such a pleasure to be with someone who doesn't make a huge deal out of every little thing. We go through things that would have ended up being a week long fight in my marriage, only now it is dealt with in a normal, healthy way. We let each other be who we are, and do not try to change each other. So things are really good, and I am finally happy. It is amazing how much life can change so quickly.

Back For Good

I have not posted in a very long time, and if anyone cares, I apologize! I had the job from hell that demanded more hours than I cared to give, but I quit, and yesterday was my last day! I know, I feel like an irresponsible rebel, but my sanity is more important than a blood-sucking, stressful job that doesn't give a shit about your personal life. People still think that banker's hours are from 9 - 3, but that is a myth. I was working most days from 8 - 7 with a 15 min. break. I know many people do this without complaining, but the entire day was always filled with stress and crisises (what the hell is the proper way to pluralize crisis?). And the customers were beyond rude and abusive. I knew I had to leave when I started having nightmares every night and waking up with anxiety attacks. Definitely not worth it. And to be honest, after everything I have been through over the past few years, I just don't have it in me to deal with this kind of thing anymore. Life is way too short to spend it miserable, and I refuse to do it.

So, I am unemployed once again. What a catch I am - 32 and almost divorced, no kids, and I live with my parents! Wow, how impressive! Thank God I have a great boyfriend who doesn't care about all that stuff, and just cares that we get along great and have a great time. We see each other every day most weeks, and it truly is a best friendship with passion and laughs and everything you could want. Seems too good to be true, so maybe it won't last, but I sure hope it does. The only weird thing is that he is also 32 and not at all ready to settle down and have kids. He says maybe in a few years, but after being so focused on starting a family for the past 4 years, this is very strange to me. In a few years my fertility will be compromised, and who the hell knows what will happen. So I have been trying to prepare myself for a life without children. As much as I want children, I really don't think it will ever happen. I don't know why, but I guess you guys can relate. When you want something so badly for so long and it doesn't happen, you can't conceive of it ever happening (no pun intended). So it makes me sad that I may never have kids, but I guess if I am truly happy with my partner, maybe it won't matter??? No, that can't be true because I know many of you are truly happy with your partner and still long for children. Oh well, I guess time will tell. I have no idea where my life is going and it is very scary. But I really just want to enjoy what I have right now and have fun. Like I said, life is too short...

My baby sister had her baby boy last Sunday night. He is so cute! She had a very rough labor and delivery, and finally had to have a C-section because he was too big and just wasn't fitting through the birth canal. Adam Edward was 8 lbs. 15 oz. and 20 in. long. My poor sister is so nervous and overwhelmed since she is breast feeding, and this is one hungry baby. Now that I will have some more free time, I will help her out as much as I can. I am going to start babysitting for my other nephew again, who is now 5 months old. He is unbelievable, and loves his Jumperoo! I swear it looks like he is going to fly out of it he jumps so high. I am just going to enjoy the rest of the summer stress free, and then decide what I am going to do career wise. Thank God for my wonderful parents who love having me live with them again (rent free - they won't take anything). I have the best family in the world, and feel very lucky and happy despite going through a divorce and everything else. As you can see, I am not PMSing right now. Maybe next week will bring some other feelings!

I'm Still Here

Sorry I haven't posted for so long! My life has been crazy and has changed so much. I started working again on May 16 - I am the Assistant Branch Manager of an extremely busy bank branch. It is one crisis after another, and during the first week I was working 11 hour days. I was ready to quit after the third day, but realized I had to give it more time. I am used to it by now, and hopefully things will calm down. The branch is in an extremely affluent area, and celebrities are frequently in the shopping center it is located in. So it has been fun hearing about who is arriving each day in their stretch limos to shop, get their hair done, or eat. Last week the most famous radio personality (don't want to say his name because then I will get more hits than I want to this blog) was having lunch with his daughter while his limo driver waited for him. Didn't get to see him though.

I also have been seeing someone, and am very happy. I have known him all my life as my best friend's brother, and he has always had a crush on me. So I guess the timing was finally right for us to get together, and it seems to be working. We get along great, and have so much in common since we grew up together. We will see what happens. Other than that, not too much has changed. I still have not found my own place to live, and hardly even have the time to look. If I have to stay with my parents for a while it wouldn't be the worst thing. I have to say I didn't realize how miserable I really was a few months ago until I got out of the situation. I feel like myself again. Unfortunately, my ex and I are not friendly at all. The divorce will hopefully be final in a few months, and I can officially move on with my life. If I don't get caught up in the fact that I am 32, I can actually be OK with the fact that I don't have kids yet. I will admit, it does concern me when I think about it. But I am just trying to enjoy life and not get caught up with this stuff.

More Reasons Why I Hate May

OK, I am starting to PMS, and therefore starting to feel negative and depressed. Here are some more reasons why I now hate the month of May:

1) Most obvious reason as I previously stated - daughter would have been born this month

2) Mother's Day - although I love and appreciate my mother more than anything in the world, this day was particularly hard this year. Had I not had the miscarriage, I obviously would have been celebrating it as an expectant mom. Instead, I had to pretend everything was fine and celebrate it with my mom, sister who is a new mom, and sister who is expecting her first baby in July. Fun day for all but me, although I pretended I was fine.

3) My birthday is in May - sounds silly to hate your birthday, but as I approach 32 in 9 days, I am forced to realize that I am not getting any younger, and I am nowhere near where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I am disappointed in myself and my place in this world. Obviously I had hoped I would be happily married with a couple of children. Oh well...

4) My anniversary (or former anniversary) is this month. I think about the vows we took and the promises we made, and I get extremely mad at what bullshit it all was. I took my vows seriously, and believed that we would stick together through the good times and the bad times, blah blah blah. Why bother taking vows if you don't mean them?

I am sure I can come up with more reasons of why I hate May, formerly my favorite month, but I am tired and depressed and need to go to bed. If I think of any more reasons, I will post tomorrow. Goodnight.

MAY This Month Be Over Soon

May. Nine months ago I couldn't wait for it to be here. Now I hate it. This is the month that my daughter would have been born. I cry all the time. I can be laughing one second, then think about this, and before I know it I am crying. Doesn't matter where I am - driving, with family, with friends, at a wedding. I do my best to hide it, but I don't know if I am doing a good job. It's just really, really, hard. And so damn sad. Is this the way it is going to be now? In June, am I going to cry because my daughter would have been one month old? And in July... Will it ever end, or is this it now? I may always be on the verge of tears for a long time. Don't get me wrong, I still have fun and participate like a normal human being, but the miscarriage was the heartbreak of my life, and it will always rip at my soul. To anyone who has ever been through this, I truly am sorry and I feel for you. No one deserves to feel this way.