IVF #1 and the Miscarriage - Part 3

After my husband and I cried and composed ourselves, we had to tell our families the horrible news. Everyone had been so excited and happy for us, and I knew it would crush them. Each time I said the words "our baby's heart stopped beating" it felt less and less real. How could this be? I already had an appointment scheduled for the next day with my RE, and hoped that the equipment they used at this other place was inaccurate, and that everything really was fine. A long shot, but maybe a possibility.

When my name was called at the RE, I walked up and told the nurse what had happened. She looked at my chart and said "I don't understand, everything was going so well". That made two of us. They took me in right away and confirmed the inevitable - no heartbeat. The sonographer called the doctor in to confirm, and of course the doctor explained to us that it was the case. I asked if the sound could be turned on so that we could make sure there was no heartbeat, and she told us that she could see that there was no longer any blood flow to the baby. I started to cry, and she hugged me. She told me to have a D & C with genetic testing, to determine if the baby was chromosomally abnormal. My husband and I left extremely sad, but not surprised. I really can't even remember how I felt at this point, but I imagine I was numb. The denial stage was over, it was confirmed by two doctors. I scheduled the D & C for four days later. I was not looking forward to it, but I knew it had to be done.

The morning of the surgery I was a little nervous, but not terribly scared. The surgery went smoothly, and I was home that afternoon. I was not in any pain, and had hardly any bleeding. It just seemed too easy, but I was grateful. I had been through enough. Now we had to wait for the genetic testing results. A few days later, we went up to a mountain resort house for the day with my husband's family. I felt a little crampy, but nothing horrible. When I got out of the car and walked up several flights of stairs, I began having terrible cramps. I knew it was a mistake coming here, being that it was two hours away from home and I was stuck. The cramps continued on and off really strong. I took some Tylenol, but it did not help at all. Finally we left, and after an hour stopped at a rest stop. When I got out of the car, I felt a gush of liquid that did not stop coming out. I dashed to the bathroom, and discovered I was bleeding profusely. Since I thought the bleeding was over a couple of days before, I had no pads with me, and the restroom had no pads. What a freaking horrible situation. I did the best I could with what I had, ate dinner, and headed home. The bleeding and cramps continued into the following day. I just figured it was a delayed reaction. That night, my husband and I argued, and he left to go to a relatives house. While he was gone, something horrible happened. While I was sitting on the toilet bowl, I heard something rather large fall into the water (not what you might be thinking). I got up, and removed what I thought was a blood clot. It was big, and it was not a clot. It was pinkish tissue that resembled what an embryo of six weeks looks like. I completely freaked out, crying and screaming, and called my husband to come home. He looked at it, and agreed with me that it looked like the baby. We thought one of two things: 1) My gynecologist screwed up the surgery and did not remove the baby, or 2) There were twins, one had died and the other was still alive, and the surgery killed it. The thought of the second option really screwed us up. But we just didn't know what the hell had happened. We headed to the hospital, and were there all night. I was examined, and we submitted the tissue for genetic testing. Now we were waiting for two different results.

Thank God, it turned out that the second tissue was not a baby. It must have been a piece of my lining. The genetic testing from the baby came back as a normal female. This really hurt. My baby was normal, but I miscarried anyway. I could understand a miscarriage if the baby is abnormal - this is nature's way. But how do you explain the miscarriage of a normal baby. I called my RE with these results, and he agreed that we should do some blood work since I have a history of autoimmune problems, and do a hysteroscopy and laparoscopy to see if there is a septum. I got my blood work done the next day, and went in to the office a couple of weeks later for the results. Everything came back negative, except for one. I was borderline on a test for Anticardiolipin Antibody, a clotting disorder. Under 10 is normal, and I was 11. This was horrible news, and he reordered the test and scheduled the surgery. It was possible that I did not have the disorder since it was so borderline. People with colds or infections could test positive and not have it. Thank God the second test came back normal. On to surgery.

I was very nervous the day of the surgery because I did not know what the doctor would find. He was hoping to find a normal uterus. What he found was a septum, and mild to moderate endometriosis, and some scarring. He repaired the septum and lasered the endometriosis. When I woke up and spoke to the doctor, I cried when I heard this. I had been misdiagnosed as having a bicornuate uterus before the IVF. Had the correct diagnosis been made, maybe this could have been avoided! I thought about suing, I thought about not going back to this practice, but ultimately, they did get me pregnant on my first IVF, and I did not want to start over again. My goal in all of this is not financial gain, it is to have a baby or two.

So here I am back to present day, and will begin my second IVF cycle at the end of this week. I will start taking the birth control pill on day three of my period, skip the Lupron since I did not suppress the last time, and go right to the stims. I am excited about moving on, and hope that this time is the time. I was told by my doctor that my uterus is in much better shape, and that it is wider than the average uterus. Maybe this will make for a more inviting environment for twins! I am trying to stay positive, but a part of me thinks that with the success rates for IVF being about 30-40%, this time may not work. I can only hope it does! My sister will be giving birth soon, so I am exciting about that. I just want good things for everybody. I don't want to live life feeling unfulfilled anymore. It is no way to live, and it is not fair to my husband. I just don't think I could ever be truly happy if I don't have children. But I can't go there. Here's to a successful IVF #2!