IVF #1 and the Miscarriage - Part 2

After the first sonogram revealed nothing, I really was not so hopeful that this would turn out as I had hoped. I was very pleasantly surprised to get a phone call that afternoon informing me that my HCG levels were 1174! This sounded like great news, since the levels had tripled from two days ago. But then I realized that at this level, it is possible to see a sac. I mentioned this concern to the nurse, and she agreed and said that they were kind of thinking that this was probably an ectopic pregnancy. Not good news at all. I was to return in three days for a repeat sono, and this would be the one to determine what was going on. I just felt horrible. I was finally pregnant, and could not enjoy it at all. Every single pain I felt in my side convinced me that the pregnancy was ectopic. I was not looking forward to the treatment of an ectopic pregnancy either - you know, the drug that is labeled "Chemotherapy"!
I returned for my repeat sono with my hubby, and was as nervous as I'd ever been. I knew this was the moment of truth. But there it was, the moment the wand was inserted, a sac was visible! And it looked good! I cried tears of joy, and of course my husband was thrilled! This was going to turn out OK after all! I would prove the doctors wrong. It was not ectopic, and it seemed I was not going to miscarry. I breathed a sigh of relief, but felt the uneasiness again knowing that I would have to return the following week for another sonogram. The one that would reveal the heartbeat! This would be the biggest one yet! Throughout this ordeal, my family and friends all told me that they knew everything would turn out OK. They all just "had a feeling". I wanted to believe them so. I even named the baby Faith, since I was positive it was a girl. We had planned on other names for a girl, but Faith seemed so appropriate since we had to have a lot of it to get through this.
The day of the next sonogram I wanted to throw up. Not morning sickness - I hadn't had any of that. I was so nervous I was sick. As soon as the wand was inserted, I asked the sonographer if there was a heartbeat, and she said yes!!!!!!!! Yes, there was a heartbeat!!!!!! Wow, we were most likely out of the woods! The RE of the day told me that once you have a heartbeat, your chances for miscarriage drop to under 5%. This really made me feel as if things were going to work in our favor, and that our baby was going to be OK! What a dream come true, to go through such heartache and come out of it with something so wonderful and positive! We shared the good news with our family, and of course, shared the new sonogram picture with everyone. I got a call that afternoon with my HCG levels of 3168, and was also told to stop the PIO because my progesterone levels were off the charts! Great! A healthy pregnancy and no more shots! I was told they would only see me one more time, and that I should make an appointment with my regular OBGYN. I wanted to do that as soon as possible since I was paranoid about my bicornuate uterus, having read that it may be associated with an incompetent cervix.
I saw my OBGYN a few days later, and explained the situation to her. She did not seem overly concerned about an incompetent cervix, and said that rather than just doing a cerclage, she would monitor me every week or so to measure my cervix. She wanted me to have a sonogram done from her office to determine dating and cervical length. I made the appointment for two more days. I left feeling great. I was finally one of the pregnant girls in the waiting room. I did not feel jealous anymore. I felt fulfilled and completely content, and blessed! I overcame what looked like a failed pregnancy. Or so I thought.
The sonogram for my OBGYN was performed in the perinatologist office across the hall. I signed in, and noticed I was number 13 on the sheet. Yuck, I hate that bad luck number! But oh well, no point in being superstitious, everything was going to be fine. I was called in, and was met by a very nice sonographer and a sonographer in training. The trainee inserted the wand I believe, and the trainer guided her. It was taking a while, and I asked if everything was OK. The trainer said "Oh yes, everything is fine, please be patient with her, she is learning". I said no problem, take as long as you need, as long as I know everything is OK. They made note of the embryo, then explored my entire uterus and cervix, noticing the curve of my cervix and heart shape of my uterus. That was the first time my heart shaped uterus was noticed during a sonogram. Then the trainer took over, and spent a very long time looking around my uterus. She did not tell me anything was wrong, she was just silent. She handed the wand back over to the trainee, and told her to practice, and that she would be right back. The trainee looked around for another few minutes as if everything was completely fine, and then told me to get dressed for the doctor. I had a feeling something was up. I got dressed, and the sonographer came back in with the doctor. In a German accent (I think), the doctor introduced himself to me, and mispronounced my name. I corrected him, and he said "Mrs. ..., I have looked at the pictures, and unfortunately the news is not good". I said what do you mean, as I could feel my heart pounding and the blood draining from my body. It is difficult to write this, I am about to cry. He said "There is no heartbeat. I am sorry". I said that is impossible, we had a heartbeat last week. He said "If you had a heartbeat last week and there is not one now, that is not good news, but you can come back in a few days and we can check again". I asked if we could please check again right now, and he said sure. I removed my pants again, had the wand inserted, and it was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. My baby died. I was in shock. I asked if it was something I did, and I was told of course not. Something was probably genetically wrong with the baby, and I would miscarry within the next couple of weeks. He told me to try to save the "tissue" if I was able to, and bring it in for genetic testing. The sonographer told me she was sorry, and that she felt like crying. I felt hot and numb and dizzy. I could not believe this was happening. I got dressed, and got the hell out of there. The second I walked outside, a man asked me for directions to the bank I used to work for. How much crueler could life get right now? I could barely walk, let alone give directions. I drove home in a state of shock, and really did not cry yet. That didn't happen until I pulled into the driveway and saw my husband standing at the door waving and smiling at me. I did not smile back. He stopped smiling. I practically fell into his arms as I walked into the house. I told him our baby's heart stopped beating, and cried hysterically. He was shocked and hurt. We both cried, but I cried harder. It was a horrible gloomy rainy day, and now I knew why. Part 3 to follow.