Welcome To My Blog!
Hello, and welcome to my new blog! After reading many infertility, pregnancy, and adoption blogs for several months, I have finally decided to start one of my own. To catch everyone up on what is happening in my life, I will expand on my bio. I am currently waiting until the end of January to start on my second IVF cycle. The first cycle ended terribly with a miscarriage, and I hope and pray that the second one results in a baby or two (twins would be perfect!).
My journey with infertility has been very painful for me. I married almost 4 years ago with the desire to have children right away. I was devastated after we learned that we would not be able to conceive naturally due to male factor. I have spent the last 4 years as a bitter and unhappy woman, and I realize how unfair that has been to my husband, who is not so deeply affected emotionally by the infertility. And that makes it more difficult for me, because I feel like I am in this alone sometimes. We have gone through some very hard times, but we always end up working things out together.
Over the past 4 years I have seen friends, relatives, and strangers become pregnant, some twice! I always hate the feeling that overcomes me when I am told the news - a mixture of jealousy and guilt all rolled into one. Being the oldest of three girls, my BIGGEST fear always was that one of my sisters would become pregnant before me. Of course, that fear came true when my middle sister became pregnant in May (she is due next month). I am truly very, very happy for her, but those ugly feelings did arise. When I was pregnant after my first IVF in September, I finally felt like a normal human being that didn't have those ugly feelings anymore. Then the miscarriage happened, followed by a horrible D & C, followed by the announcement that my youngest sister was now pregnant too! Holy shit!!!!!! I wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole and never come out! I think I am still in that hole. But still, I am happy for her and wish these feelings would go away. Anyone who has gone through this knows what a horrible, ugly feeling it is. You feel selfish and wrong but you can't help it. Something that you want so badly comes naturally and easily to everyone around you.
I've also had to endure the rude comments by friends and family members. The most recent was "So when are you gonna get pregnant? You are the oldest you know". This comment was made at a family party and I couldn't even hold back the tears. My family felt so horribly for me, and it was so embarrassing. I have now decided that I will not attend any more family gatherings until my situation has changed. Except I must attend my sister's baby shower on Saturday, of course!
Enough rambling for one day. There will be plenty more tomorrow!
My journey with infertility has been very painful for me. I married almost 4 years ago with the desire to have children right away. I was devastated after we learned that we would not be able to conceive naturally due to male factor. I have spent the last 4 years as a bitter and unhappy woman, and I realize how unfair that has been to my husband, who is not so deeply affected emotionally by the infertility. And that makes it more difficult for me, because I feel like I am in this alone sometimes. We have gone through some very hard times, but we always end up working things out together.
Over the past 4 years I have seen friends, relatives, and strangers become pregnant, some twice! I always hate the feeling that overcomes me when I am told the news - a mixture of jealousy and guilt all rolled into one. Being the oldest of three girls, my BIGGEST fear always was that one of my sisters would become pregnant before me. Of course, that fear came true when my middle sister became pregnant in May (she is due next month). I am truly very, very happy for her, but those ugly feelings did arise. When I was pregnant after my first IVF in September, I finally felt like a normal human being that didn't have those ugly feelings anymore. Then the miscarriage happened, followed by a horrible D & C, followed by the announcement that my youngest sister was now pregnant too! Holy shit!!!!!! I wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole and never come out! I think I am still in that hole. But still, I am happy for her and wish these feelings would go away. Anyone who has gone through this knows what a horrible, ugly feeling it is. You feel selfish and wrong but you can't help it. Something that you want so badly comes naturally and easily to everyone around you.
I've also had to endure the rude comments by friends and family members. The most recent was "So when are you gonna get pregnant? You are the oldest you know". This comment was made at a family party and I couldn't even hold back the tears. My family felt so horribly for me, and it was so embarrassing. I have now decided that I will not attend any more family gatherings until my situation has changed. Except I must attend my sister's baby shower on Saturday, of course!
Enough rambling for one day. There will be plenty more tomorrow!
posted by Lisa @ 11:45 PM
1 Comments:
At 12:05 AM,
Anonymous said…
Hi there, thanks so much for writing your blog. I had a miscarriage today after my first IVF. I am a total mess. Reading your blog helps me though. We will try again.
lots of love
Jenny, Australia
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