Days of Distraction

Just me saying a quick hello. I don't post too much anymore because I feel like I really don't have anything too interesting to say. My life has slipped into a comfortable, unstressful routine - but there is a very strange flipside. I think I have come to the conclusion that I have blocked out a lot of painful memories from the past couple of years, and they are starting to come back little by little. I have very strange dreams every night, sometimes about the ex, sometimes about babies, sometimes about my boyfriend breaking up with me for no reason. I also think I have a minor degree of memory loss since I don't remember some things that I think I should. Sounds like I need some help, huh? I have been thinking about going back into therapy for a little while. Life is very scary for me in a sense right now. The divorce is final, which is good, but yet most of my personal belongings are still in my old house that my ex still lives in. I just can't bring myself to go there to get them - maybe too horrifying and painful. I was such a different person back then, so depressed and lonely and lazy. Not saying I am perfect now, I am far from it - just not so depressed and lonely and lazy.

I am still babysitting for my nephews, and love them more than humanly possible. And they love me back just the same. I feel very lucky to have them and to be able to deal with their births as well as I did. I did not deal with the initial news of my sisters' pregnancies well at all, but dealing with live babies is something totally different for me. They are completely beautiful and loving, and watching them grow everyday is amazing. These are very happy days. Things are still going very well with my boyfriend, and we will be together six months on Thursday. We are thinking about moving in together sometime in 2006, so hopefully that works out.

So I am very happy, but equally as scared about where life is headed for me. I had everything so together (or so it seemed) a few years ago, with a successful career, beautiful home, and a husband who seemed to love me. Now I am relatively unemployed, live in a garage converted to a bedroom in my parents house, and am single again (but in a relationship). Yet, despite all this, I somehow manage to be happier than I have ever been, at least most of the time.